{December 3, 2011}   If I’m Telling the Truth…

I’m at a turning point in my life.  The only problem is that I’ve been here for the last year and a half.

Alright, perhaps not the entire year and a half – I had some moments of temporary enlightenment and joy, but they’ve been equally opposed (if not outweighed) but disappointment.

No career. No intimate relationship to celebrate.  And a flux in human interaction that is and is not due to my own choices.

The other night while attending a volunteer party for an organization I volunteer for a woman (who I had just met) and I were discussing writing, job hunting, and portfolio buildings.

“Why don’t you have a blog?” she asked.

I confessed that I had tried blogging on two occasions but, like other things in my life, I had trouble keeping up with it.

In fairness, my lack of dedication to a blog happens for a few reasons:

1) I personally journal quite a bit – why would I want to repeat myself?

2) I don’t know how personal or exposed I’d like to be on the web.  I’m not content to be overlooked, and as frequently as I stick my foot in my mouth I still want my privacy.

3) How am I really any different?  Topically, what can I contribute or put focus on?

4) It takes me longer to blog than I would like.

5) I’m just really not a huge fan of blogging in general.

That being said, I told her I would go home and try it.  Again.

I believe in taking note of coincidences in your life, and earlier in the week I had stumbled across numerous articles and book chapters regarding blogging your way to a career. Basically, this woman’s comment was just icing on the already baked cake.

I don’t have a grand design laid out, but I think, as some of you may be able to tell by my name, I’ll be writing about yoga, meditation, spirituality and how it affects my life.

Yoga is something that has never left me, but I’m surely not the practitioner I’d like to be.  I’m not a yogic saint, I don’t wake up every day and hit the mat.  Instead I hit the gym, usually the elliptical.

It’s been said that anything that moves you to your highest self is yoga – so in the case of physical disciple perhaps I do practice daily.  I’d be lying if I said that some sort of daily physical activity doesn’t keep me from loosing my mind. I’m pretty sure it does.

Moving along, another thing to consider is the mental practice of yoga.  The yamas and niyamas, for example, also play a part in practice.

My favorite is Satya – Truthfulness. So, in following this philosophical discipline I intend to be honest with what is going on in my life.

As you already read above, things aren’t the greatest.  I’ve been meditating profusely the past couple of weeks, exercising daily, give thanks for any daily amusement or senario that plays out before me, and catching any negative thought that comes into my head and replacing it with a positive just like a good little girl.

But if I’m telling the truth – somedays I am sick of doing that.  I’m tired of holding down the fort.  I’m tired of repeating mantras and positive affirmations.  I’m tired of psychoanalyzing and then changing, what I believe to be, personal habits that may even be mildly self-destructive – and then ultimately seeing things play out the same way they always do. I’m tired of busting my butt trying to get somewhere and coming up empty handed.

I’m just tired.

And that’s truthfully how I feel today.  I can’t even affirm a miracle because today is one of those days where I’m just wishing for it because I can’t even generate enough energy behind any affirmative thought to bring it into fruition.

The only energy I can feel at the moment is sadness and flashes of anger. And that’s the truth.

As per usual, I’m going to head out of the gym and try to work some of it off and then, if I find I still have time on my hands, hit up the yoga studio for a quiet practice and see if it brings me any peace.

I know much of this is vague in details right now – and that may be my downfall.  I don’t want to share all the details of these personal struggles out of respect for myself and anyone else involved.

Even as I try to come to some sort of conclusion at this moment I find that I don’t want to post this and I’m regretting the time spent typing it reflecting on how I could have been at the gym by now…


et cetera